I constantly feel like I am head butting a concrete wall when it comes to certain situations in my life. I'm sure that most people have some or other situation in life where all they want to do is scream and let everything out. I have tried everything I can to ensure that things don't get to me and if they do, I am trying to make sure I have a coping mechanism to help me remember I am not what others think of me and I am not what has happened to me. I am way more than my situations around me. This past year I have found myself fighting a battle I never thought I would ever have to fight. A battle that has taught me who I truly am and the power I was giving to others instead of keeping that power for myself. I have been fighting with myself, as you do, but I have also been fighting to keep those who have been toxic in life, at a safe distance.
I am going to get a little personal in this blog so please stay with me and try follow as I ramble and get through this. If you start getting lost don't worry because I have probably retyped that exact paragraph a hundred times so we are both lost together... The thing I find best in those situations is to get the kettle on, make a cup of tea or coffee and try again. It has never failed me thus far so give it a go and come back to the blog when you're ready!
So over the last couple years I have tried to force someone to have a relationship with my daughter because I have this idea of what a family should look like and what parents should be. I have this idea that regardless of the issues that adults have, a child should come first and should be adored! I believe parents should be there for their child through everything. A stubbed toe, a sore tummy and ever a hospital visit. A parent is someone you should know will stop anything and everything to listen to what you have to say. They are someone who no matter how busy they are at work, how many dishes need to be washed, how much vacuuming needs to be done and no matter how chaotic their own life is, they should always stop because their child is there needing to talk or needing to catch up. I believe that when my daughter comes to me and I have a whole load of washing in my arms that I should out the bucket down, pick her up and place her inside the bucket and then carry both her and the washing into the living rooms so we are able to have fun and get chores done at the same time. This is what I have always done... Even as the beautiful 3 year old that she is, we both know if I have the washing basket in my hand and she wants to be with me that I put the basket down, she climbs in and then we get to the lounge so we are able to have fun together but also so that she knows regardless of what I am doing I will always make time for her and include her in everything I am doing. This is, after all, the way I was raised by my mom so why should it be any different?
I have come to learn that I cannot expect others to love my daughter the way I know she deserves to be loved though. What a person puts into the relationships they have is what they will get out of it and if it isn't what they expect, then they only have themselves to blame for that. It is not up to me to ensure that my beautiful daughter has a loving relationship with those around her. It is also not her responsibility to make a relationship work because she is a child and it is up to us adults to teach her how we should be treating others and how we should be investing into the relationships that build us and rejuvenate us as we grow. We are the adults and we know how the world works so it is up to us to ensure the relationship we have with any children is always a healthy and positive relationship.
This year I have also had the pleasure of learning that when someone loves you and they WANT you in their life, they will move mountains for you. We have been blessed with such an amazing group of family and friends who are family. They have loved us, they have supported us and they have literally fed us. I cannot thank them enough because there have been days where I have thought to myself that I don't know if I have the energy to create this amazing home cooked meal for my daughter and I have been tempted to make a meal that includes the left overs and the easy meal ideas in the cupboards... but thankfully the people we have surrounded ourselves with have offered more meals than I could ever imagine! However, it was never the meals that were truly needed... I talk about food because I love food. However, it wasn't just food that we were given. We were given support through those meals, friendship, love and acceptance through those meals. Support because it meant I was able to sit back and enjoy time with my daughter without having to worry about having to still make time to feed her. I was given friendship because after the meals were completed and my daughter was in bed I had someone to talk to and to listen to. I was no longer having lonely nights. I was given love because someone thought to love me enough to say have a break and let me look after you for once. Lastly I was given acceptance through those meals because my tribe accepted that I did not want to say I was broke as hell and they knew I would never admit to struggling but they accepted that and helped in a way they knew I wouldn't consider it pity. They accepted that there may not be many ways to help but making dinner and cleaning up after was the greatest help I needed on those nights!
It was through simple acts of kindness that I learnt I am not a single mom with baggage as so many have previously stigmatised me to. Myself included. There is this belief that if you are a single parent that you have trouble that comes with you. Trouble because you aren't able to invest the time and effort into others that you previously could. I didn't have the time to head out for coffee with a friend who at 5pm decided they needed a catchup at 6pm. I didn't have time to head out for dinners with everyone over the weekends because most dinners start after 7pm and my daughter was tired at that time so it was our bed time. There was the odd times where we would have late naps at home so we were able to have a slightly later night but for the most part we were home in the evenings. I also didn't have the luxury of heading out for the night as most 25 year olds do over the weekend. I was and always have been focussed on being a mom first. This belief that I was a burden changed quite quickly though! Those who love us came to us when we couldn't get out the house. They came to us and understood that my life works with my daughter. They knew and loved the fact that we could have the greatest adventures at kids parks and at home without needing to worry about whether or not we would have enough money for activities or whether or not my daughter would make it through dinner without having a tired meltdown. My friends would ask what we would like to do and then if I said we couldn't they would change their plans to fit in with our needs. What more could us girls ask for really? My mom was also incredible because she would continuously ask us around for dinner and always send out home with food for the next day!
It’s the smallest and yet the most significant ways to be loved that make a person realise that we are worth the world! We are worth more than we have ever imagined! Thank you for the love and the help!
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